Beginnings

Beginnings

I was 27 when I got pregnant. I’d been dating Tony for about five years, and he was a righteous asshole. To be fair, I was also a mess – a needy, clingy woman who made bad relationship decisions, presumably out of some sort of self-loathing I didn’t realize I was indulging at the time. Also to be fair, my husband told me once, “When I was in my 20s, I was probably a lot like your Tony when you knew him.” Meaning that people grow up. Guys who were assholes at 25 aren’t necessarily still assholes at 45.

At the time, I wanted to marry Tony more than anything in the world. Thank the stars and angels for looking out for me, because he wanted no part of marriage. He asked me to at least consider abortion – which I did, for two torturous days.  No doubt the fact that I was still a practicing Catholic at the time had something to do with why it wasn’t ever really an option for me. That left single motherdom or adoption. Thing is, I’m not sure I’d make a different decision today if I found myself pregnant and unable/unwilling to parent.

I started what I thought would be a book about the adoption a long time ago. It was handwritten on one or two yellow legal pads. I remember getting about 80 pages in before it got too hard to write. I was still too close to the experience, too raw. Over the years I’ve thought about resurrecting the book, but the will, enthusiasm, desire just hasn’t been there. I’m thinking now that the story may turn into a blog. In part, it’s self-indulgent. I’d just like a place to put the thoughts ping-ponging around in my head. But  it’s also possible that my story might help somebody else. I don’t know that it will, but I don’t know that it won’t, either. And, perhaps my son might one day read it. That would probably be a good thing. Someday.

I don’t really want to write a chronological story. I also don’t want to be beholden to anyone about finishing it – the way I would if it were a book. I’d just like a place to put the random stories, ideas, thoughts, and memories that come to me.

It’s possible, if I publish this online, that other people – including my son’s family – will stumble across it, and read it. Which means I may have to occasionally tread lightly – or at least more thoughtfully than would necessarily be my initial instinct. It’s not that I have anything bad to say about them. They are all amazing people, and I am truly blessed to have such a good connection with all of them. It’s just that my perspective is mine – and it probably differs from theirs in places, and I have no desire of any sort to step on toes, create hurt feelings, or to convey any ingratitude. So, that said, we’ll see how it goes.

This might be Post 1. Meaning there might be another post tomorrow. Or in a couple weeks. If you’re still up at 1 a.m. pondering the past 23 years of your life, maybe we’ll connect again soon.